Monday, June 6, 2011

A choice for her to listen 2007 revised.

he is more vast than the sky,
and the love he gives is much.
Not there before her naked eyes,
yet close enough to touch

What spreads the light upon ones day,
and cast the dark upon another?
What brightens the path that leads the way,
yet blocks it for the other?

he answers in his subtle manner,
With not a word spoken,
But all she hears is the shatter,
From all the past years broken.

Again he speaks, without a word,
for proof he need not give.
To listen is a choice for her,
such as her will to live.

To listen she gives all her strength,
To hear him she may not,
But, she’ll hold on to him with faith,
To make worth the battle fought.

“Are you there?”, she speaks aloud,
“Is this the mouth you gave me?”
Once more he speaks without a sound,
She screams, “please God, will you save me?”

Though she may never know,
if those words he'd ever heard.
He need not ever show,
or speak another word.

In her heart she feels it,
the warmth she felt was his.,
Now she knows, no need to listen,
for he's speaking from within.

Unfinished....

Has it been planted yet?
Will it grow if I nourish it?
If I relinquish fear and conquer madness,
can a blossom replace a weed?

Banished from my own garden,
Hidden by my own fears.
A seed harvested from deep within
will cultivate from tears.

This feeling deep inside my pit,
Burning, churning can’t rid of it.
A seed cannot be planted here,
for it will wither and die.
where then may I plant it,
for it to grow and thrive?

Thankful for Tomorrow

I feel no need for this,
I’ll fight to obtain my bliss.
This is not how I’ll always feel,
Joy & Light I will make real.

This is not who I’ll be today,
A sad and faceless being.
I’ll go outside, and try to play,
change desperate, dark, blue feelings.

I’ll wash my face, and then replace,
a frowned face filled with sorrow.
I'll take a break from today,
and be thankful for tomorrow.

Lara Nelson (Rainseed) *Wrote in 2007, revised 6-6-11

Fingers

I'm slipping away into madness.
Lonely steps, pacing eights, back and forth, 
don't be late.
my dreams have lost their magic.

Thirsty eyes, burned with lies,
truth she rarely see's
Digging deeper, deeper down inside.
There’s an ocean inside, there is
.
Her mind is wasting, her actions faking,
Her heart's drying to just dust.
Painted on a face of flatness,
pale skin that lacks its lust.

Her fingers touch her rusting cheek,
in the mirror, this is what she see's.
Her hollowed eyes, on bending knee's.
A beautiful summer, who lost her Spring.

Lara Nelson (Rainseed)  *wrote in 2007, revised today 6-6-11  ~Peace and Light~

Pieces

I was alive, I was breathing, I died, then I started to see.
I survived, started healing, then began learning to be free.
Separated all the pieces, I'd let some float off in pairs, let
many stray alone, then some got lost forever, the rest left looking
for their home..

Some pieces, thought needed, fit awkward in tight places.
Some found old homes, some fell, broke, and then faded.
Some still trapped in horror, lost. Some floating in the sea.
Did I need all those pieces, to have saved what was left of me?
If the parts were still together, then took apart for me to see, 
All the pieces separated were never needed to be me.
.
Lara Nelson (Rainseed)

Isolation

Waiting, night will come,
dreams draw closer,
then comes the sun,
Staring, a pastime new to her.
Fully aware of every breath.
The pencil dulls with every scratch.

Knocks on the door,
Quiet she’ll be,
A peak through the hole,
From above, it is he

Same words as the day before.
No need to answer the door.
One by one she picks up debris.
No need to vacuum,
it’s something to do.

A numbed mind,
blank space.
Could this be you?

Peer through the window,
every sound, there’s a hope.
A change may be coming,
for now time she will cope.

Still the pencil dulls with every forced stroke.
Write she must do,
down all this dense pain,
For if she does not,
likely she go insane.

Pace, pace dust and old lace,
scattered beads on the carpet,
each one out of place.

Rays of light,
she’s blinded, can’t see.
Stands way of the door,
hoping for more,
scans streets for the trees.
There’s few among-st the concrete and cars.

Blessed be the night,
for soon there’ll be stars.
But asleep she will be,
for the night is her refuge.
Escapes into dreams,
for seclusion is what she faces each day.

She runs from the sun,
each awakening ray.
She breaks the silence,
for she speaks out loud,
Hardly hears her own words,
to somber to shout.

Yes, she knows aloneness all
and simply to well,
dead flattened, sedated,
a tolerable hell.

Don’t read these words,
for pity you’ll feel.
For this she can’t stand,
too much this is real.

What comes after each word she will write,
another lonely step and just one more bite?

No need to sit,
when dinners alone.
Stand by the fridge,
bite down on a stone.

Taste is but common,
no flavors of lust.
Cabinets bare,
empty shelves full of dust.

She implores don’t read on,
for darkness spreads thick.
Who could live in a box,
without getting sick?

There’s still traces of hope,
soon the debris will be gone.
As she picks each piece up,
to make shorter days long.

Do you know loneliness?
Do you really know of this?
Do you look in the mirror,
and nothing looks back,
But desperate blank eyes,
an expression that’s flat?
Pale faced and haunted,
too real the reflection she sees.
Too wide a mirror,
too much space that’s empty.

She talks to this image,
there’s no one else there,
then silenced,
she stiffens,
and wordlessly stares.

Are those her eyes?
Could she stare them away?
Into a bright light,
of each coming day?

The pencil continues to dull,
in a book she writes in.
Soon filled be the pages,
and a new,
She’ll begin.


Lara Nelson (Rainseed) 2007  (housing)

Pill's

She'd walk on broken glass,
cutting deeper in her feet.,
feeling nothing with each step,
each step shed take,
nothing she'd feel;
pain is for the feeling.

Dedicated to anxiety and fear,
She turned to madness and  lithium tears.
This went on for several years.
Abilify did not give her ability.
Wellbutrin did not set her free.
Lamictal, well she got the rash,
Insurance did not cover, she did not have the cash,
so, they switched her to another, and it made her raving mad,
they'd keep her locked up, then kept setting her free, no doctor's
advice, sedated sub-reality.

Rocking in the corner,
staring into the past.
Shes' feeling so alone here;
and wished it would end fast..

Grief filled voices saturated the air;
prescription pills they eased her cares,
And stop all that was fun,
till the clouds completely replaced the sun.
Feeling alone, yet with someone.

Guarded secrets locked her in.
Strange words with no translation.
No one she wished to share this with,
for then she was only waiting.

Hauntingly familiar,
many faces she'd pass by.
She'd smell their sweat, feel their fear,
She felt the same inside.

Cigarette littered grass,
smoke poisons placid air.
Voices loud and caustic,
loneliness is here.

Back to her kitchen she went,
in front of the furnace she rocks,
into the past she stares,
into the wars she has fought,
back in time she'd compare,
over and over again,
until nothing is real and all is pretend.

Painted pictures in her mind,
fast flying as they'd come.
The pills held back much of the pain;
yet too held back the sun.

By Lara Nelson AKA Rainseed

The Cities Calling

I could not wake up,
could not open my eyes.
The shipyard music played
some horrible lie.

And the ketch kept rocking,
the tides running out,
The Cities calling,
My mind clouded with doubt.

A strange person was snoring right next to my head.
Constantly telling me I was happy,
I remember with dread..

It was time to go home,
so I'd fall out of bed,
smacking hard on the hatch,
my Serequel'd head.

Then I'd pop some Ability,
crawled to the Head,
wet down my hair,
then wished I was dead.

Lara Nelson 6-6-2011