Tuesday, September 11, 2012

A lyrical Journal entry (a letter to them both) (unsent)

(Written 9/9/2012 completed 9/11/2012)

I know these stories from beginning to end, I've lived them in my head, over and over again. From what I remember and when I began, From constantly moving from each home we ran.

Starting over and over and over again, Only wanting a home where we'd all fit in, Learning, growing, tried not to pretend, Hard working and caring and love to no end.

I tried with both fathers, gave all that I could. I was only ever doing what I understood.

With you both I kept isolated, but you knew this was me, I still do till this day and it's ok, i believe. I focused on improving, learning and growth. You'd both lifted me up, then dangled the rope.

With children involved and a mother in fear, it does not take much for her to shut up and hear. no excuse can I make, but I did not know, your true intentions, i fell for the show.

I know that now i must move on and let go, but one daughters hurting and my sons not yet grown.

You were not the fathers I'd hoped you would be. I tried hard to follow your rules and now I can see. Your rules were for you both and not the kids. My instincts knew better, but alone I live this. over and over and over again, I've been living this movie and it still will not end.

This is not a life one chooses to live, with not many options, at times i'd give in. This time in my life, I learned so much more. I believe what I've learned is helping him soar... I hope next for her, that she soon will see, her heart will re-open, ignite memories.

She then will remember the mother she knew, though years split between us, we always re-grew, came back together and did what we could, I felt reconnected, but long distant's no good.

I don't think the punishments fit my crimes at the time, But, I would soon then agree. Submit to your ideas and stop believing in me. living in crazy, losing my mind, but, I found hope in my children, my heroes pulled me through, so many times and they never knew.

Memories of them would lift me up to the sky till i'd opened my eyes, then realized these children I adore are no longer in my life. Did we deserve this, constant questioning myself, just at times you two haunt me, explain to us, "why wont you tell?"

Both of you changed and rapidly so, but, with you both i had children and both of you know. I would nave never done to you, the things that you did. I always felt I was fair, for the love of our kids.

They are not property, or to be tossed aside. we brought them into this world, And the land you hate paid both rides.

Why'd you return to those countries and stay, From what you'd both said, you'd hated their ways, I'd been to your countries and found things I love, found love in your mothers whom you both think low of, found love in the language, and hoped to fit in, I probably could have, if you'd have both let me in, kept dark from your secrets, to cover your will, isolated at home, learning convenient new skills,

You put not one penny or love into them, They grew in your lies and learned to pretend, One I can finally help and be there for him, the mother he needs so, his life can begin.

Still one lost, hurt, lonely girl, just 25, was with her till 6, I had to try, the rules got so heavy and more kids would've come, with no peso, no fairness, My education begun.

Got her back at 13, just as I knew, he tired of her, and on the plane she flew. and then I was finally with both of my kids, continuing college and stocking the fridge, what was their need to further our pain? I may never know this, still my brain pushes in vain. For now what I do is keep visions of her, sending her love through this big universe.

Although, looking back, and would not want to live it again, I do in my head, for this story wont end. I guess it's ingrained that this is the way, may have some re-learning from those games That you played.

Lara G. Nelson 9/11/12 3:37 pm peace out.....

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