Wednesday, September 19, 2012

On 11th street~

Photo project for (toadclipper)
I joined worth1000 March 18, 2005,
5 months before he left to Quito, Ecuador. 

Misplaced fragments, loss parts of time,
Paced and paced, to calm my mind.
Deep inside I'd look and find,
My hearts still glowing, My soul still shines.

My interest's are going, there falling behind.
Please bring him back, we'll make it this time.
God I will do, in my heart what you say,
even if now, it's here I must stay.

Soon it will be, soon he will scream.
I hear his voice, he's calling for me.
I feel so helpless, I cannot reach him.
Oh god won't this grieving come to an

I waited for so long, but even longer it feels,
Mistakes I was making and nothing felt real.
So, drifting around the room that I rent.
it was so much more fitting then a boat or
a tent.

I needed a home, not much, just a place,
where he could come back and to just touch his face,
his very own room, a town he could live,
growing up knowing all of his friends.

For then I must wait, pacing my eights,
stare into the pictures alone in my head.
patience i'm getting better at this.
i'd Sit still for hours, waiting for bed.
Maybe, just maybe, his life I wont miss.

Soon he is coming, he's bringing the phone,
I can't wait to call him, but at the same time I don't.
I pace and pace and pace with the phone.
Finally dial and nobody's home.
I call and call and finally hear,
his voice that would save me,
yet fill me with tears.

Desperate our talks, so much to say,
Mom can you hear me, listen i'll play"
He'd rock his guitar, and then I would say.
"Kevin, can you hear me" Yes, he would say.
"I love you baby" I love how you play.
The phone starts to break up,
his song fades away. This long distance's daunting,
then the signal is gone. I turned off the phone,
and still heard his song, over and over again in my heart.
I'll keep hearing his song, until he's not far.
Then I will hear every word that he'll sing,
every drum he devours, no more "broken Ring".
(from kevin's song:

I kept waiting and waiting kept perfectly still.
Do what he wants, all of his will.
It's not all that bad, He brings me TP,
some food, some coffee, on my ebt.
He had the wheels, I had the heat,
I know it sound silly, but i was the meat.
He was a connection to get him to me.
So, I did what I did, I guess it was need.

Looking back, just a person, who lived in a dream,
but, what I had needed was a friend who would see.
I never lied about the situation I'm in.
But, that did not matter for the love he was in.

I am ashamed.  I gave into this.
I became what he wanted, for spare parts and bits.
The constantly pampering his every sin,
giving in over and over and over again.
 "Oh god how I love you and tears flow with this"
Then, give in to pressure and give him a kiss.

The hospital loonies were just like me,
I'd find ways to get back, so I could be me.
but then finally I soon started to see,
the pounding of pills, was making it harder to see.
This man, dear God, with him I can't see.
a father to Kevin a husband to me?

I left how i could, He tormented my kid,
God, I just got him home,
why'd the hell he do this?
So, I did what I did and I paid a high price,
but, in the end Kevins happy at night.

He was my payee,
my "I thought" my friend.
I did start to love him,
I practiced and studied,
but could not pretend.
The poems I'd wrote him,
I meant at the time,
just trying to make him this in my mind.

I do not hurt or miss any of this.
I now have my son back and am far over this.
Just thought I'd let this out of my head,
so it will stop playing and that scene can end.

~9/9/2012  LGN

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